39 things I'm thinking, saying, doing & suggesting to feel ok right now

kicking screaming despairing crying laughing and starting again (and again)

Hi my friends. Been trying to assemble some thoughts since the election and have only failed. Literally. I made this long tearful podcast, and it was like G-d was not allowing it — my phone kept pinging; then they did fire alarm testing (in English and Spanish), and then after I made it through all that and went to post, it had no sound. Message received.

But today I got off the phone with my dad (he was happy, he had “the day off” — he’s been retired for like 20 years so I think that means no doctors’ appointments) and he was going with my mom to look at a cool green sports car. (Have I mentioned his nickname is “Crash” — if you live in Boston, eyes open; be a defensive driver.)

Anyway. I realized I wanted to do what I often do when my thoughts and feelings spin and pool and defy me. Make a list. (Who says “listicles” are “less than”? For me they are clarity, and working things out.)

1. F*ck. Just oh F*CK. Say it as often as needed. And “I didn’t want this.” It happened. It’s over. You have to say it, I think. And face it. And be in the anger and the sadness. And then also wake up daily and do things.

2. The people have said what they want. That’s democracy. That’s what this country was founded on, and that doesn’t change just because it didn’t go the way many of us wanted. If you embrace democracy (which I am honored to do) this result, this heartbreak, is a part of it.

3. And it wasn’t close. It’s not like it was an electoral college thing, and you’re thinking about gerrymandering. He won the popular vote.

4. That helps me — hear me out — because the numbers tell me that yes, there are horrible racists who voted for him. And there are people who voted with their pocketbooks. But there are a LOT of other people. To me it means there are a lot of desperate people who felt powerless, I can find empathy for these people. I don’t know that life.

5. This is a wakeup call I won’t ignore. When someone called me “rich and oblivious” on Substack and that triggered me so deeply, I have to look harder — I have been oblivious, I think, to the depth of chasm between have and have not. And the feelings of being in that chasm all day every day. I think this vote says something about that.

6. Get curious. We have to do less “I know better” and more asking questions. We were caught off guard. Why? What are the things we aren’t asking because we cannot bear to know?

7. When I go outside in red Florida, when I hold the door for someone, I can love her and feel she did the best she could when she got in that booth. Not that she is racist, that she didn’t care about Trump’s sexual assaults and felonies or about protecting our reproductive health. I can think instead that she did the best she could when she really needed something to change.

8. When I think in that way, I can love my country. With all your faults, I love you still. I have missed loving my country.

9. I am not going to keep participating in talking this talk of “they don’t know what’s good for them” and “they voted for someone who can’t even stand them.” I think people were sick of hearing think-y privileged people tell them what to want and need. I don’t want to be part of that.

10. I asked my progressive dad how is he so happy today. He said he has a free day. He lucked out with a beautiful wife. He’s seen this happen before. People will realize that this wasn’t a good choice. Life will go on.

11. Stop talking about big things you’re not going to do (leave the country, devote the rest of your life to volunteering for the cause) and start thinking about and focusing on what you realistically can and will do.

12. “Pump joy into the world.” I wrote this on a scrap of paper during a dark period over a decade ago. It helps me not feel powerless. I can do this whenever. Immediately.

13. Try daily acts of microgoodness. Today I saw someone who looked hungry outside of Trader Joes and asked if I could go in and buy them something to eat. That was so easy and will carry me through this day.

14. Smile and engage every baby you encounter. Ask to pat every dog.

15. Hug longer, with more meaning. Feel it. Hold hands. Squeeze a signal. Hold each other tight.

16. Open your eyes. Hold doors, offer to carry groceries, chase the bus for someone who can’t.

17. Obviously donate. But also it’s a good chance to expand your donating if you can afford to. The wealthy will be required to pay fewer taxes; if that’s you, it’s up to you to give more to support the efforts you believe in.

18. Do a monthly ongoing donation if you can afford it and keep it unearmarked.

19. With the holidays coming, give donations as gifts, too, as all or part of a gift.

20. Stay out of the comments sections. I was on IG and I went into Kamala’s “stars” post, to the comments. I expected to see all these people like me, in a kind of mourning. Instead I found so many messages from people saying we were about to begin a golden era. (And when I looked at one, she was Puerto Rican. After that comedian who called Puerto Rican people “trash”. And so many more racist things. I think … again, that has to be desperation to vote for someone who says/allows these things about your own people.)

21. Use your platforms, any you have, to share things you think will help others.

22. Go to work and do your job. Even if your job is writing about clothes. I think we have to keep going. There is strength in it.

23. Do your job and everything else with sensitivity. There is fear, there is grief. Not everyone is ready. Assume less and ask more. When I played music at home and danced, my husband wasn’t ready. Still too heartbroken.

24. Reach out to your gay married friends who are worried that their marriages could be annulled.

25. Reach out to trans friends. And to parents of trans children who feel scared.

26. Reach out to Black friends who may have received messages like these. I also think we have to be on high alert for Black women, watch over Black women walking alone, offer to walk someone to her car.

27. But also, allow joy. Feel joy. Sometimes feeling joy I’ve felt horrible. How can I feel joy when so many people will suffer, when in the same breath I worry for friends? Because I have to. I cannot let him steal that from me.

28. Feed your body decently. I started by binging on carbs, and I understand that. Of course. I wanted just anything puffy and soft, like falling on my pillow and eating it. But eventually that made me leaden and sad and it was time to begin again.

29. Try and sleep. I am not successful yet. But I am going to keep trying.

30. Drink, drug, shop sparingly and in an attuned way. Watch out for, check in on friends who are at risk when it comes to these things.

31. Play music. Listen to this if you need to face the anger and this when you need to feel joy.

32. Read books that are so good you can’t stop and never want them to end. This is one that 10000% fits the bill.

33. Cross over to the sunny side of the street. (I am saying this very literally. Cross over. Better for mood. For vitamins.)

34. Ask for what you need. A pep talk. A hug. Someone to phone bank with. Someone to stay overnight.

35. Ask what you can do to help. It’s never the wrong thing to ask.

36. Be in the present. Be present with children, friends, spouses, family. And in the present moment — we can’t obsess over the past; it’s gone, and we can’t live in our doom about the future. It’s debilitating. When you drift, bring yourself back.

37. Stay out of the bell jar. Look, you’re going to get into pits of despair. And you have to allow that. But you also have to know when it’s just time to get up. It probably won’t be linear. Get up, get out, lie back down, but get up again. Living in despair without an end isn’t serving anyone or anything — we can’t afford it.

38. Don’t let him make you bitter or a sore loser. We’re better than that. We now get to model what a peaceful transfer of power looks like.

39. Add to this list. Make your own list. Share it. We need all of the ideas.

Imperfectly and lovingly yours,

Rachel