Can You Learn from a Bad Boss?
Or are some things — and people — just too shitty to be educational?
Or are some things — and people — just too shitty to be educational?
More than global warming or running out of coffee, nothing can strike terror in your heart like a Bad. Boss. I’m not talking about pure ineffectualism, playing favorites, the sort of thing you can shrug off or work around. I’m talking about the screamers, the bullies, the master manipulaters. The bosses who test you like that’s their actual job. Who quiz people in meetings while everyone else gets red and warm. Who throw people under the bus. Who make junior team members cry on set. Who say one thing, wait for you to present it, and then say the opposite thing the day after, while genuinely acting like you’re the crazy one. Those bosses.
I’ve had a few of them. And I’m always astounded. For starters, I’m astounded whenever they’re women. Or anyone other than white cis-males, honestly. I’ve always gone into workplaces thinking that white straight guys have what remains a certain easy, jokey advantage and that I am somehow an outsider to that. So of course anyone else who’s an outsider to that would have my back. And I theirs. Not so much, though.
Too often people are threatened by each other. Too insecure to realize, hey, relax, the cream rises to the top and there’s always a demand for cream. That every time you boost someone up, you boost yourself up. You become that person, that mentor, that do-er, that bright light. And the cherry on top is that you sleep better at night.
Instead, these insecure, threatened bosses become BAD BOSSES. Petulant, mean, passive aggressive. Sometimes even bullying or abusive. Someone once told me that you leave a job when there is nothing more to learn. It also happens to be #geteducated month at Honor Code. So I put an ask out on our insta, wondering if anyone ever learned anything from a bad boss. Is it possible that terror conditions aside, you’re still getting valuable information from this person that makes sticking it out worthwhile?
The responses rolled in. Not a single one said that in spite of being a bad boss, they still learned things, other than (1) surviving a boss like this: “speak up for yourself and don’t be afraid” and (2) how not to become a boss like this: “trust your people to do their job and avoid mircomanaging” and “[I learned] how not to be a shitty human.”
Science (ok, all my therapists) teaches us that like the animals we are, when threatened, the fight or flight response gets triggered. When this happens, your brain actually shuts down until the threat passes. Your concentration is shot. You can’t take anything in. You’re just flailing about. If you’ve ever felt like your boss is all over you and it’s like you then screw up even more (!) there’s your reason. Being screamed at literally compromises your brain.
And if by some chance you’re reading this, thinking … “Hmmm, I do get a bit impatient sometimes,” the bad boss may be you. (“I get a little impatient sometimes” is often how asshole bosses view/rationalize their own assholery.) And if it is, your team isn’t learning anything. At all. They’re spending all their time talking about how horrible you are and strategizing around how to avoid your fury or leave.
So if you’re with us, making it a goal to #geteducated this month, and you’re stuck with a bad boss, we have suggestions.
(1) Try not to talk about your boss. It’s hard not to look for someone to spill your guts to about it, we know. But time focused on your boss is time wasted. Honestly. And every time you repeat the stories out loud, you trigger a raft of bad feelings all over again. Tell yourself that person just isn’t worth it. And turn your attention to what you can learn.
(2) Find a mentor. No matter how senior you are. This person can be a peer, too. Look for someone at work or outside of work, someone open, someone you connect with. Someone who knows things you don’t. Take that person out for coffee and ask great questions.
(3) Offer to do “that.” Whatever that is. If you’ll learn something, take it on. A rotation in another department? A trip to the call center? A role on a panel? A client embed? A class? Yes, yes and yes, please. Getting out and learning new things is a reminder that you’re smart and there’s a big bad world out there beyond your big bad boss.