Everything you need to know about being a grown-up in a bathing suit

21+ tips you probably haven't heard before

warnings: (1) I am going to use the f word here, as in “flattering.” (2) You are about to see real, un-retouched images of a pale Gen X woman with an autoimmune condition. It’s not for everyone, and may affect your vision, like strobe lighting.

First of all, let me just say this: If you are one of these people who’s like “fuck the patriarchy, this is my body and I don’t have to make it look conventionally attractive just because you’ve been raised on teenaged girl bs porn!” … Or if you are one of those people who’s just like “this is my ass and it’s real and I’m so proud of it,” like so many women I love in Miami, just walking down the street jiggling away in tiny tiny shorts … etc, etc. Or if you just put your triangles on jog to the beach and just go about your day, maybe adding a short sarong when you have lunch … SKIP THIS ONE! You don’t need me.

I admire you, but I am not there. What I want is to get in the f*cking water when I want to while looking as nice as I can. “Nice” is personal. I would like to look, I guess, fit and unexposed, that is, with nothing inadvertently popping out. At ease and also non-confrontational … like I don’t want my boobs or ass confronting the eyes of say, some friend of my son. I want to look like I feel comfortable.

And if that sounds like you (and a couple of you have already written to request it) - this one’s for us.

Someone recently told me that summer’s half over. Sounds a lot like… Midlife anyone?

And who remembers Carol Radziwill saying “we only have 20 summers left.” It still rings in my ears. With only 20 summers (ish) left, it’s like (1) don’t spend them with anyone who doesn’t like you and (2) let’s get in the water. Or out in the sun. Or whatever your body wants to do.