I bought $15k* worth of pants so you don't have to ...

... because something is happening with pants. I promise you. *Or 10. I couldn't look too closely.

Something important is happening… with pants.

Well, ok, then I guess “important” is in the eye of the beholder.

But you know G-d gives us what we can handle. And this became my calling. Although at times, whether I could handle it was entirely unclear.

But like other important, investigative journalists before me, I soldiered on. For the greater good. So let’s go.

(p.s. Not to be directive, but maybe pee, grab your coffee and get a snack as this could take a while.)

The roilings

Because first, there were roilings. Mom, why is spell check red lining roilings? You can feel a roiling. Or multiple roilings, no? I’m sure the friend who told me mole has no accent mark (let along the French one I’d selected) has the answer to this as well. But I digress. Onto the roilings.

Exhibit A: All of the high intensity hubbub about High Sport. You know what I mean, right? I can’t remember where the talk began … maybe with Becky Malinsky? It was (and still is) more than talk. It’s obsession. One of those things that seem to materialize out of nowhere like Savette bags and Kallmeyer, etc. etc. These were/are THE pants. And you know I bought them. Since they’re never on sale, I found some kind of way (like shop through an app and get 15% off; it’s a blur). I think the appeal is that they are straight, and that the bottom is not skinny, but kicks out, and is cropped just the right amount (more on that later) and there is a pin tuck down the front … But I’ve had them for over a year now and haven’t worn them. It’s an independent, female owned business and a million more informed people than I disagree, so I am loathe to try and articulate my issue, but FWIW I will just say that they’re tight and thick, and even though they probably look nice, I’m never eager to put them on. Maybe in a different climate? Anyway, I shipped them to New England to see if I would wear them this summer. So I can’t show you. But that’s not the point either. The point is that the wild love affair with these pants, whether or not they’re your jam, showed me that SOMETHING is up with pants. First roiling. (Can be multiple roilings, Apple!)

despite my valiant efforts, no possible contortion of my body could make these look good (or even decent) on me

Exhibit B: Phoebe Philo leggings … right. I am, like so many others, very Phoebe obsessed. #oldceline 4eva. Phoebe knows how to cut a pant. Come to think of it, I have this pink pair of pants from old Celine (these are they, actually, if you’re an XS) that is very much in the vein of the High Sport, though the High Sport is a pull on, and these are more traditional… but the cut is a miracle and they have the same perfect length, not pin tuck but you see that pleat … but I digress. The point is Phoebe Philo in her first return collection after all those years included a legging. Which I bought and returned (it looked awful on me) but the fact that this little and long awaited collection of hers included a legging told me something is up with pants. (and probably relatedly with shapes… Because we need some kind of a straighter pant in lieu of a skinny jean to go with all the tunic/y tops we’re wanting to wear, including the Phoebe one I bought and kept and will wear with my Tibi stirrups, which brings me to ...)

Exhibit C, the return of the stirrup pant. Yes, they’ve claimed it was coming back before but now it’s real (Hi, Hailie). You will find them across every brand. Most notably for me Tibi made one - and I’ve said before that I think Tibi is a real zeitgeist thermometer. This is the exact kind of thing that I go to Tibi for, knowing something like this will generally be THE version of what is essentially a basic and I don’t have to go looking around or pay $2400. That this pant from the 80s is back tells me a pendulum is swinging, a craving is happening. (BTW, Tibi Amy said to size up; I have ample buns/thighs and I found them TTS for this kind of pant. I think you want them to gently support, and baggy anywhere would be weird.)

And finally exhibit D, the rise and fall of the rise. As with everything, what comes up must go down. During the pandemic, I remember writing that I wish I could have a rise high enough that it would also serve as a mask. When high-rises arrived, I felt like hallelujah! I’m contained! … but then Tibi again open my eyes in a couple ways. First, with the notion of a high rise that sits low — am I saying that right? What I mean is a generous inseam that can still sit lower on your hips. So it’s relaxed and cool versus what Amy calls “baby carrot” rises - the rise that once had my boss (mercifully female and a friend) giving my pants a yank when I sat on a bar stool in the common area and that questionable breeze I thought I felt was actually an office fan on my exposed thong. The second “rise aha” via Tibi is a midrise that even after the above trauma, I found love with: the Elfie. In many ways again, a jean that does some of the High Sport things, line down the front (in this case, crease), straight, not skinny shape, slightly wider opening and shorter length. How could I love such a jean after thong-gate? (I mean this one isn’t dangerously low, obvs, and I belt it, but I was truly scarred. It just feels so fresh and so useful and so much fun to wear. So rises are now up for grabs which means not only jeans… What about pants? Something is happening or about to happen with pants. Storm clouds. But less ominous, more exciting. Roilings.

A few notes about my personal biases as a reporter

1. I’m around 5’5/5’6. I think I weigh 136. I’m smaller on top, and on the bottom I have hips and I think my butt sticks out. I am generally a medium on the bottom or a six or 42 Italian sizing.

2. I am very particular about pant length. Because I like answers and not more questions, I generally prefer 2 lengths: wide pants just off the floor with a round toe shoe so they just flow right over. Or a slight crop right near the ankle bone. Honestly the Elfie, as much as I like it, is tricky for me. It just touches the top of a lace-up shoe so that works ok. I like them with ankle boots. But I don’t like them with flats. I guess the big thing is: I don’t like when you see just a little top of foot, like a pink sliver of foot ... I find that visually jarring.

3. Also, I don’t particularly like showing my body … my preferred style of pants is huge. As I have put it … pants that don’t touch me, pants my cats could hide in… that said, this thing that’s happening, this desire for fresh and new has me looking for something different to complement my giant pants.

The assignment: Find magic pants

What do I want these magic pants to be?

• They have to be comfortable - no weird texture, no thick, sweaty 80s gym polyester feeling, no constant pulling up, bad pressure on belly etc.

• They have to be different than what I already own.

• They have to work with long tops, which I’m drawn to but need a proportional tool to wear.

• They have to be some thing I look forward to putting on.

• They can’t look like traditional work pants like office pants — I get that we are wearing those casually, etc. but it’s not new and that’s just not how I want these to feel.

• They have to feel different from anything I have, and like they’re pushing me in some way.

• Ideally they cross seasons.

Methodology

I went on Net-a-Porter and looked at every pair of pants. If I thought they had a remote chance of fitting within the parameters above, I ordered them. It cost a lot of money. When the boxes arrived, I said a silent prayer that I wouldn’t love all of them. I needn’t have worried.

On a Saturday night, while my husband was watching the Michigan football game, I tried on every single pair and enlisted him to take photos (he refused to look away from the game but otherwise obliged). To give them all a fighting chance, I wore them with my painful Prada flats, which make everything look good. And for the purpose of scientific exactitude, I kept the same (Colorful Standard) T-shirt and bracelet on with every pair. (And just a reminder, I am not getting any cut any which way if you buy pants - the links are just for your convenience.)

One of the hardest things was keeping all the damn pants straight! wanna see how I did it?

At some point during the course of this exercise, the following sentence came into my mind: Pants go to me to die.

It’s also really hard to keep three cats off a whole bunch of pants.

That said, I thought about my investigative peers like, you know, Woodward and Bernstein. I pressed on.

Spoiler alert: I wish I could tell you that one of the mid-priced options was great.

And off we go…