Light bondage + gray hair, anyone?

Some things get worse as you age. Some things get better.

Some things get worse as you age. Some things get better.

So here’s a discovery. I like me in bondage(y) wear. You may not. That’s cool. But give me a moment. If you will. Or should I get all dominatrix-y: GIVE ME A MOMENT!!!!!

Anyhoo.

Studded shoes + a harness. You’re terrified, no?

Back when I was a little child-sprite of 48, I started noticing that some clothes hadn’t changed, but when they came into contact with … me, they changed.

Meaning: A Chanel jacket looks iconic forever. But the same Chanel jacket that looked ironic on me in my 20s looks too “lady” on me now. No change to the garment at all. Big change IRL.

Damn! I’m in favor of aging however we want, wearing whatever we want. I didn’t like the idea that my fashion playing field would narrow in any way because I’m aging (I hate that word; let’s call it “arriving”).

A mini skirt at 50? If it’s you WTF not? It’s all fair game. But dowdiness, for me, is not on the table.

At midlife I found a really fun game. One that, IMHO, is played best by us 50+ types: the bondage-y stuff. I don’t even know the right terminology, but I know this. Right around this age, I started loving the looks of anything harness-y. I’m using all these -ys b/c the pieces I’m talking about are more inspired-by versus hardcore. (You’re relieved, yes?)

I remember the first moment of this. Whatever “this” is. My parents had gone to Paris and asked if I wanted anything from a well-priced, used Hermes store, and I said “a bracelet?” — thinking they’d bring back a little enamel one. And instead they brought me a studded Collier de Chien (translation: dog collar). This was well before they were ubiquitous as they are now (circa 1995, to be exact). At first, as with most good things, I didn’t like it. I couldn’t even .. understand it.

But it grew on me. Luxurious. French. And as bad girl as I am good girl. I wore it tentatively. Now, at 52, it’s not enough for me and I wear two (I still have the original and have added another).

My original CDC and an add on.

The next time this “bad” idea caught my eye was on Alexia during an early season of RHOM, and it was the first time I’d seen a piece like it outside of the — let’s say original intended context. I was pretty sure she wore it backwards.

Forgive the blurry pic from Bravo

I think what got me was that it was white, and her whole outfit except the shoes was white. It made me see it as an interesting design element without the sexy factor attached. I think I was a single mom at the time, working a couple jobs. And even with my limited budget I bought it (it was BCBG, of course). But never had the guts to wear it. Still, I held onto it for years. It just — interested me.

And then I sold it and forgot about it.

I have these flashbacks to going to clubs in my 30s and feeling old. And feeling the need to “compete” and put my body out there. Or being in my 20s in law school in a crop top at a party. I vividly remember that crop top. I passed out in it during a house party. And wore it to take the bar exam. I also remember this green silk cami with pink trim, when we wore camis out as tops, and walking down the street and this huge guy saying, “I like your nightie.”

I can laugh about it all now. Mostly. Laugh and cringe. And want to give that girl a hug.

And then … I grew up. And these certain pieces started catching and holding my attention. Anything with a harness-related detail. Anything with studs — remember the belt SJP wore in almost every scene in the first movie? I still have that. I contemplated the Medor bag, a clutch version of those CDC bracelets I was now wearing regularly.

I discovered Trinny Woodall and watched every single one of her Closet Confessions. There was (is) something about Trinny’s sexuality. In their 50s some of my friends talk about being “invisible.” Trinny is hardly invisible. But she also has evolved, and without turning off her sexuality, there’s never a whiff of “cougar-y” desperation. She is ageless and compelling. When she shows side boob, or belly, it’s almost like an interesting other outfit element. Another display of texture and confidence and knowhow.

Also Amy Smilovic, or course. Another one who is ageless. And IMHO sexy! She’d hate that word. Sexy in a totally her way. She seems like she’d be great at banter. She talks about her body without judgement, in a frank, actualized way. And wears things like a leather skirt in the summer, shirred bodysuits, cutout sweaters with peeks of black bra. The good sexy. (That was for you, Amy.) Just so fucking realized and witty. When she and her then-stylist Dione tossed leather and printed bustiers over shirts, I almost hyperventilated. And finally tracked down my own.

Amy being Amy

In my 50s I need a new word for how I feel. It’s not invisible. It’s not just “quirky” with my crazy glasses. I feel happy every day (it sounds like bullshit, I know). I love bantering w/my hub and I think he’s sexy beyond. I feel a calm. I love being covered up and in those cool items like giant pants. I have no need to show anything. But this not-desperate, not-reaching vantage point offers me more to choose from. I select based on texture and interest and mood. I love a black bra under something sheer. I love a slightly shorter skirt length — right on the knee is too on-the-nose dowdy. I like a very open oxford with a giant necklace — who cares? What are you gonna see?

And I love the bondage-y stuff. Because it’s interesting! Interesting to the eye, and interesting for what it represents and for the contrast between what it represents and me, that contrast gives it a certain playfulness. I bought the Pritch London version of that old BCBG harness. And I toss it over a tee shirt. Or to give shape to a dress. I love this Margiela shirt made to look like there’s a harness over it, from TRR.

My biz partner bought me this blingy JW Anderson harness.

I don’t know that this is a popular notion among women my age. Or in general. But I asked if any of my IG followers would wear a harness, using the image at the top of this post, and it was around 60/40 yes. Many said, especially a white one like mine (for sure my bondage vibe is tame and inspired-by vs. literal and actual). I am getting more and more carefree about what others think. Finally. Maybe you are too. And I think we can define a new way to arrive. On our own terms.