My New Year's Fleshrolutions: 19 ageless, non-cringe ways to lean into "sexy*"

*except ughhhhh need a better word

This Christmas, I participated in the advanced Jewish ritual of 2 movies in one day. We saw the Bob Dylan movie (so good). But also, before that, while my hub was at a meeting, I saw Nicole Kidman in Babygirl.

I’m still processing. Of course the big word is “provocative.” I suppose sexy at times but also sad, almost campy in moments (or maybe it’s just the sort of awkward realness of sex we don’t expect to see in movies) … and troubling. But I digested the clothing more quickly than I did the movie itself.

These clothes themselves are not “me.” They are ultra ultra femme, bodycon, and in so many ways both (for me) too subdued and too showy. Where I like “swagger,” what they offer is a wholly different confidence, a heat-seeking missile, a laser, a gun with a silencer. Precise, still, and clear.

Fleshly?

Yeah, fleshly. Look I don’t have the right word yet for this — thing that’s calling my name. Sexy feels wrong. So overt. Sexy gets at my worst fear — looking like I have no self awareness. Like I’m itching for attention. Uncomfortable in my skin. This is personal. I’ve said it before, but it merits repeating that I have nothing against anyone of any age looking overtly sexy. It’s just not how I feel like me.

That said, I do feel myself evolving into a place of more bodily self care and self awareness, into a place where I’m interested in looking and feeling unfettered, non comical (sometimes I’ve leaned very hard into playful and ironic), secure in my skin, cared for, maybe. Alive in the world. (Something I’m acutely aware of after experiencing a loss. And I realize likely some of what’s behind why this, why now.)

Sensual feels too corny! It’s a word that makes my skin crawl. Until writing this, I’d never heard this word, fleshly, but I like the simplicity and straightforwardness of it. Of the flesh. I like that. Characterized by indulgence of bodily appetites. I like that too. It doesn’t have to be lascivious (but it can be!); it can be as simple as wearing fabrics that feel good.

Recently, on one of her platforms (hard for me to ascertain where since I follow EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.)

Allison Bornstein

spoke about how some of her clients, specifically the midlife ones, expressed wanting to feel some form of “sexy.” And many of them referenced the character Sylvie in Emily in Paris.

Reading this and having watched that show, I conjured super low V-necks, sleeveless, tight pencil skirts. And the Google search found all of those things. I noticed overall that I didn’t love most of Sylvie’s looks, even though I had this really pleasing general memory of her style. So it was something else, then. I put together the ones I found more appealing than the rest:

I asked myself, what makes the Sylvie stuff sexy/appealing/fleshly?

• soft undone hair, soft makeup

• often low necklines

• texture play — hard and soft

• tone on tone and neutrals feels assured

• arms often exposed, even with a coat

And then I remembered hearing that Sylvie was based on Carine Roitfeld. So I poked around there. Again, lots of things I wouldn’t wear. But also lots to learn.

image credits in the links here

What makes the Carine stuff sexy/appealing/fleshly?

• fit - she looks like someone who has everything altered

• always a little skin somewhere (almost always leg or clavicle)

• neck either high or low

• tone on tone and neutrals feels assured

• playing with sexy tropes, like trench, nightie, etc - in a very luxe way

You know who else I took a look at? Jlo. Yeah, that’s right. Jlo. She’s 54. And again, like the others, so much of what she does is NOT ME. But, BUT! So much is. Especially in this past year, she’s been leaning into baggy (long part of her off duty repertoire) more than ever. Ponies, buns, wispy bangs, big Cucinelli pants, blazers, big knits. button-ups, flats, sneakers, sturdy boots.

What makes the JLo stuff sexy/appealing/fleshly? (No it’s not JUST JLo.)

• proportion - she never gets lost in it; even baggy on baggy then gets a substantive shoe or slight taper at the waist

• always a little skin somewhere — even just arm/ankle/tummy sliver

• textures — everything looks soft, rich, touchable

• tone on tone and neutrals — something about that is the equivalent of purring

• mix of girl/boy — like earrings/honey highlights with trad masc stuff

Start with a no list

In a few ways, I’ve danced with some fleshly notions myself, but not quite known what to do with it all. So after this due diligence (I also looked at Lisa Corbo — an amazing reference for this) I started by listing out my NOs (and if you’ve never thought about a nos-list; here’s some food for thought):

• Pencil skirts: I HATE pencil skirts; every time I buy one I regret it. They inevitably make me feel like a stuffed sausage, and they’re not practical for walking.

• Strapless. Love the look; hate the tugging I inevitably do.

• Braless: Love the idea, not practical for walking. Feels physically weird to me.

• High heels: 4 inches and above will never happen again for me. Not even just to Uber to dinner. I don’t like the way they make me look/walk/feel.

The sexy yes — I’ll keep playing with these this year

Making the list of nos naturally gets you to some yesses. Maybe there are things you already love that you could double down on. Here’s what I came up with:

• The bondage thing. I’ve always been drawn to elements like harness details, spikes and nails.

• Lingerie elements. Always been drawn to these, too. Who else still fantasizes about this Phoebe Celine collection?

• Low cut things. It’s a personal choice. But I’ve had a breast reduction, and now I actually really like the look of things with a low V- especially a button up shirt with just fewer buttons done; I like the ease of this and the functionality it gives me on hot Miami days.

• Sleeveless. Arms are sexy. I do a lot of work on my arms. They’re bigger than before, they’re strong. Sleeveless is practical for me in the heat, too.

• Backless. Same as above. I would wear with a bra.

• Texture. Love a fishnet. A faux fur. These aren’t practical in my real MIA life. But I wonder if there’s a version.

• Leather. I love it on Carine and Sylvie. And I love it in Miami, any time I can implement it, generally evenings.

• Mini(ish). I have certain musts, but I am willing to flirt with the idea.

Definite maybes …

And then there are probably some things you’re on the fence about. Maybe those are areas where you could push/explore or just decide to be open:

• Leopard? Sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel dowdy. Case by case basis, I think. Socks and shoes definitely.

• Pussy bows. I think it’s interesting that all these boards include them. I’ve always been wary of these as a “lady” trope, i.e. too on-the-nose at my age. But the way Carine does them, undone, wrapped differently, they almost become bondage like. I have one top like this, and I will play with it.

• Body con. I’ve long thought this was a hard no for me, but now I’m not so sure. I loved Nicole Kidman as Romy in the body con Armani dress with cutouts. I wouldn’t do this per se because the bottom is a pencil, but the concept is interesting. Like why not a bodysuit as a top with a full skirt? The other night I put on a skirt I’d planned to donate, a pencil shape but a knit, so I didn’t feel all sucked in. Now I’ve taken it out of the sell pile.

  

  in my version of a pencil skirt - maybe not “sexy” but it felt DIFFERENT

New Year’s Fleshrolutions

Once you define your own yes/no/maybe list (you might also make a Pinterest or other board that’s easy for you with inspiration), see if you can get specific with some do-able updates that appeal to you. Here’s how I plan to go forward; start here and make it your own:

1. Take care of body skin: I now take much better care of my face. I do the entire Trinny London routine and get regular facials. But my body gets short shrift. I feel in a way that doing more would honor it and honor me. I want to

   1. make more time for body skin care

   2. do more regular scrubbing/experiment with new products

   3. try more body stuff when doing spa time with the girls etc.

   4. self tan or use something glowy

   5. explore new things relating to skin texture as they arise (brushes, etc)

   6. get back to the derm to work on my autoimmune stuff (I have granuloma annulare)

   7. put myself to bed earlier or do these rituals before dinner so they don’t fall by the wayside

2. Be more aware of fabrics: I want to pay more attention to what feels good on my skin

3. Play with fabric contrasts (like leather/lace, soft/hard, etc)

4. Experiment with body con elements in ways that feel like me

5. Consider cutouts as an element (for me, I’m thinking collarbone/shoulder)

6. Play with pussy bow configuration using Carine, above, as example

7. Update the lingerie drawer - this I do regularly (bra sizes change, people!), but I will look at

   1. new matching sets

   2. half/full slip maybe

   3. tap pants, sheer skirt underpinnings

8. Continue down the path of favorite fleshly notions

   1. Lingerie/lacy elements

   2. Mini(ish)

   3. Sheer

   4. Things with holes

   5. Shirts unbuttoned

   6. Slits

   7. Things you always wear with something under — but wearing them next to skin instead (e.g. a cardigan, a blazer)

9. Update the glasses — I’ve already begun, but exploring notions of glasses that are more mysterious/tinted/cool versus always leaning into the “character” styles.

10. Play with a red lip/smoky eye (not together for me) … more often I do just lipgloss on lip/cheek and maybe mascara. I think in general I’d like to make makeup more part of my life.

11. Get back in black — I’ve been off black because of the heat, but there’s no denying the feeling of it, the badassery. It can still be cotton or silk and flow vs hot. I also like how Carine uses army khaki.

12. Repeat — Repeating outfits reeks of confidence. It makes something a signature. It says - I know who I am. It feels worldly somehow, knowing. This is always a goal for me and always a struggle, because I have too much. Just bringing it to the forefront of my efforts.

13. Bring in more fragrance at more times — I’ve shied away from fragrance because it triggers migraines, but finally found some roller ball oils that work like this one. I’ve started using it not just to go out but whenever I want to — including before bed, after work, etc. It feels very “indulgence of bodily appetites-y”

14. Maybe look less “whatever” when working out — I have a trainer at home and I often look pretty crappy/haphazard when exercising. I wonder if I wouldn’t feel better if I gave this a drop more attention.

15. See what I sleep in — I generally sleep in crisp cotton PJs, and I don’t really like the smushy soft cotton PJs I used to. But I’m thinking about some washable silk, which could feel really great.

16. Limit the child-like to 1 — I’ve sometimes worn, say, a short/wide dress with a jumper vibe AND a mary jane flat or little rainboot. Maybe it’s one or the other. I’m leaning into “grown.”

17. Explore small heels — I’ve already started. But with the 4 inchers a firm no, I initially went all the way to all flats all the time. Now I’ve started dipping into some small architectural heels. You might consider

    1. 2-3 inch heels

    2. ankle wrap details, which seem to make shorter heels less “grandma”

    3. sculptural/interesting heels vs the traditional kitten shape

    4. details like cutouts and hardware that have a sharpness

18. Put my clothes away — After outfit planning, sometimes I have work to do and never put the stuff away until days later. I don’t think you can feel great and in your body getting dressed in a messy place.

19. Listen intently — Hearing is one of the senses! I talk a lot, I die laughing, but I want to lean in (literally) and listen. To people, to nature. Even to quiet. Listening is flirtatious, in a way, I think.

XO,

Rachel

p.s. I pulled a few ideas off my own wishlists if you’re thinking about treating yourself

• Updated version of my Rick Owens knit (another alt I like with full size range if you prefer midi vs longer with slit)

• Secondhand coat from THAT Old Celine collection (and this way less expensive dress, too!)

• I’m OBSESSED with this skirt, which is mini but not

• Tibi lingerie vibes — I got the other color but the BW is sexier, I think …

• I have this skirt in another color and love; here’s another; they show up used quite often

• This Frame skirt has been on my radar … I like the 2 elements together and the length

• I just got this sexier version of a tee from my friend Sheila - it’s slightly transparent, very soft, and I’ll wear with a simple black bra (40% off use StyleSplurge)

• Obsessed with this keyhole tank — dare to dream!

• Barrel jeans but the sides are open (!) FYI, cheaper on Italist/Cettire but you’d need to know your size + there’s not a full range

• Of course The Real Real is showing this Prada dress backwards

• The tattoo stockings I’ve been recommending and am pretty sure I need

• I have an older version of this dress … so good with a cozy sweater + boots

• I have this little top from an independent maker (and friend!) — a third piece you can pop over a tee, turtleneck, simple dress

• this bracelet, the way it sits on the wrist (it’s on my wish list)

• a totally different take on a sheer skirt

• I saw Amy of Tibi layering something like this over a graphic tee — I think there are lots of ways to play with it

• fuzzy sweater alert — this is one I think would last and actually be wearable

• and if you’re a large — this is gorgeous (use EXTRA10 for 10% off sale) … how about this over a sheer skirt

• another knit option, this one Acne on TRR

• big Cucinelli energy ala Jlo here (s) and here (m) and here (m) here (m) and here (L) and here (XL) — good with the sweaters

• I mentioned loving spikes, harness details, etc. how about thorns? subtle badass.

• def Lisa Corbo vibes

• getting my skin ready with Soft Services buffing bar

• sweater with hole would be high on my list were it not for #miami

• I’ve been served an ad for this body butter on IG and NGL, I’m tempted… it’s expensive but I’m all … aren’t I worth it?

• and in the shoe dept, here’s what I mean by mid heel with oomph

• and I’ve always found the Old Celine little cone heel comfortable and … well whatever word you want to use, let’s go with that