Judge-y comments say very little about the listener and a whole lot about the speaker: insecurity (as many have pointed out), wistfulness, regret, inflexibility, fear... We are all on the same team, in different roles: When my child was small, I thought (with some struggle) the moms who weren't in the paid workforce were doing great things to keep the school community going, and I was keeping the door open later for their daughters who would want to enter and remain in the paid workforce or for them, if they chose to come back. Also, I'm pretty sure the patriarchy and ageism would persist in the absence of hair dye and heels and shapewear or whatever. Let's fight those things directly, rather than proxy wars with each other-- and I say this as someone who is militant about keeping my own gray hair and wishes I were closer to white all over.
This is so beautifully put. That we are all on the same team. Different roles. That we have more important battles to engage in directly. I am so grateful for this note. And for you. Your being here, reading and writing. It meant a lot to me and I’m sure you have meant a lot to others with your acceptance.
Rachel I am a fourth-generation first born daughter, and my “blonde” (hahah lol) lineage of foremothers were pioneering, disruptive and colored their hair until their last days. I will be Honey Nut Cheerios blonde forever. No shade to gray! But agree 💯 with you. Like is THIS the issue to debate? Nah.
Also the mom that commented on your makeup. We all know one! 🙏💅🏻
I loved this piece. So often shaming comes from a place of insecurity. I decided to transition to grey simply because I saw how beautiful it looked on other women. And if it turns out that I don’t like it I’ll dye my hair. For me it’s simply an aesthetic choice. Why can’t we just celebrate the fact that we can make choices for whatever reason we want?
Oh Rachel, thanks for sharing! I totally relate—I’m feeling all the feels! Your story about the "superior moms" reminded me of something my mom told my sister and me recently. A while back, we went on a girls' trip and left our little niece with my parents. While they took her to preschool, the other moms were whispering, "I would never travel without my daughter at such a young age." My mom couldn’t help but chime in, saying, “Well, they don’t have grandparents like us!” 😂 Seriously, what’s up with people? Can’t they just mind their own business?
Now I really want to read the article that set you off and see if it sets me off too :). It’s very common to have grey hair where I live (in Berkeley) and I’m glad that it’s a social norm for women to have grey hair here. But I’m also not ready to go completely grey, although I also struggle with dyeing my hair because I don’t want to be exposed to the chemicals so the conundrum is stressful. I’m 53 and single and I want to look as young as I can and if that’s dumb shoot me. So I get it. I also have feelings about all the anti-anti-aging interventions talk on here. A lot of the people talking down about it are young and I’m like talk to me when you turn 50 and start losing your looks it’s fucking scary and if you want to do stuff to make yourself feel a little better than no one should judge you for that. AND I get that there are so many interventions right now that there’s a lot of pressure on young people to be keeping themselves from aging and part of it is a reaction to that and they just want to live their lives and not be constantly protecting themselves against the future. So yeah it’s all so complicated but I’m glad you’re talking about it.
Rachel you do you and fuck those who choose to voice their opinions. It’s your body, do what you want at any age and ignore those outside voices. You won’t please everyone so please yourself
I’ve been noticing downright anger towards those of us choosing not to go grey. The message is “You should be embracing the ageing process - send a message to society that we are strong, successful women and we don’t care if we look older - smash the patriarchy!” I’m “smashing” the patriarchy by doing as I please with my hair and have zero desire to go grey. It’s not a big deal to go to the salon. Hopefully I’m not offending anyone who chooses not to dye their hair. I’m reacting to those who seem to be angry with MY choice and are acting righteous about their own.
As for the irritating mothers out there, I can totally relate! You’re apparently a lousy mother if you don’t make your kid the centre of the universe. There are a lot of self-centred, poorly behaved children as a result of this parenting style, in my opinion. I’ve been noticing many young women are now afraid of parenting. They don’t want to sign their lives away, never going out for dinner etc.
It is a lot. That is reinforcing that it’s not just me and I thank you. And I’m just wondering if those feeling angry are looking at why too. I know I am!
I so appreciate how real you are, Rachel - to dye or not to dye is kind of beside the point, I think. To be honest about all the things and feelings is the point, and you show, over and over again, that you can be honest while still being kind, both to others and to yourself. Thank you for that. FWIW, my last root touch up was in February - my amazing hairdresser stopped doing color when she got pregnant and then sort of sheepishly admitted that she felt color was particularly damaging for curly hair (she only sees curlies). I'm still waiting to feel liberated - and I mostly kind of hate how grey looks on me, if I'm being honest. I'm giving it more time mostly because I feel overwhelmed at the thought of finding a new colorist who gets me. We'll see!
Oh how I wish I could tell you things have changed in the world of young motherhood! But I’d be lying! The plus side of all that is it makes it easier to weed out the potential mom friends who suck. Also, I will be blonde until the day I die! If that means someone makes assumptions about me, that just means they’re lazy. Let’s all celebrate our ability to make these choices, and not forget to vote on it ❤️
Yikes !!!! You have triggered all my triggers!!!!! ......almost did not make it through the piece I am so angry at those "superior mother's" just for starter's. I have made a promise to myself having been raised by narcissistic, judgmental parent's with their own baggage that I would let people be.... just be who you are.....I don't need to know you or like you but my mouth is sealed. Although I do live in this very angrier world thanks to a unique orange monster, people will say and do as they please .....no thought at all to the repercussions that they may inflict on someone and although I loathe to think that some of this is also intentional , passive aggressive behavior, ouch !....go away. I have always danced to my own drummer and it has taken decades to finally feel secure enough to say simply ....
"thank you" smile widely and walk away........ far away....... Embrace being a blonde from a bottle or not......I have heard they have more fun.!!!......xxxs
Okay yes to everything now can you please now talk about those extensions? What? They are amazing? Or am I seeing things? One of the things implied in this awesome rant, but also your whole gestalt, is that we >50 folks still want and get to PLAY. Hopefully in ways that synthesize our knowledge and experience of aesthetics and self. That’s what got this stranger to subscribe :-) So. Are you playing around with extensions? Inquiring minds want to know! I spent a ton on curly extensions about 5 years ago, them cut my hair, they’ve been in a drawer ever since but they beckon…
Solid. One of my regrets from my wedding (at age 46) was that I didn't do super long extensions that were crimped a la 1987. I look back at photos now and think "that was clearly the only appropriate hair style for this dress. How did I possibly miss that???"
Ohhhh... i know you looked amazing but at the same time I feel you and wish i could grant you a redo! I was ~44 and had a terrible hair day but wore a Momo Falana dress and was having my whole own Steve Nicks fantasy of which no one else was aware ;-)
I went gray after spending a carefree vacation in Jamaica and deciding that with my short hair, the maintenance was silly (for me- no judgement!). And fortunately, my gray has grown into lovely shades of silver (I thank both grandmothers)- I often get asked what color gray I am dying my hair- hysterical! So this has been a lifestyle choice for me- simply that. Why women get an attitude about it towards other women is beyond me. These are first world problems. Enough!
Judge-y comments say very little about the listener and a whole lot about the speaker: insecurity (as many have pointed out), wistfulness, regret, inflexibility, fear... We are all on the same team, in different roles: When my child was small, I thought (with some struggle) the moms who weren't in the paid workforce were doing great things to keep the school community going, and I was keeping the door open later for their daughters who would want to enter and remain in the paid workforce or for them, if they chose to come back. Also, I'm pretty sure the patriarchy and ageism would persist in the absence of hair dye and heels and shapewear or whatever. Let's fight those things directly, rather than proxy wars with each other-- and I say this as someone who is militant about keeping my own gray hair and wishes I were closer to white all over.
This is so beautifully put. That we are all on the same team. Different roles. That we have more important battles to engage in directly. I am so grateful for this note. And for you. Your being here, reading and writing. It meant a lot to me and I’m sure you have meant a lot to others with your acceptance.
Rachel I am a fourth-generation first born daughter, and my “blonde” (hahah lol) lineage of foremothers were pioneering, disruptive and colored their hair until their last days. I will be Honey Nut Cheerios blonde forever. No shade to gray! But agree 💯 with you. Like is THIS the issue to debate? Nah.
Also the mom that commented on your makeup. We all know one! 🙏💅🏻
NAH! Exactly. And thank you. (And honey nut cheerios blonde! 💛 !)
Sometimes, don’t you just want to respond in the most cheerful and sweet voice “ why, fuck you very much!”🙃
OMG 1000% or how about — sphincter says what? Xoxoxoxo
I loved this piece. So often shaming comes from a place of insecurity. I decided to transition to grey simply because I saw how beautiful it looked on other women. And if it turns out that I don’t like it I’ll dye my hair. For me it’s simply an aesthetic choice. Why can’t we just celebrate the fact that we can make choices for whatever reason we want?
YES, exactly. We are lucky for every choice we have. Celebrate that and each other.
Oh Rachel, thanks for sharing! I totally relate—I’m feeling all the feels! Your story about the "superior moms" reminded me of something my mom told my sister and me recently. A while back, we went on a girls' trip and left our little niece with my parents. While they took her to preschool, the other moms were whispering, "I would never travel without my daughter at such a young age." My mom couldn’t help but chime in, saying, “Well, they don’t have grandparents like us!” 😂 Seriously, what’s up with people? Can’t they just mind their own business?
GRRRRRR! What a perfect response. That we should never have to make.
Now I really want to read the article that set you off and see if it sets me off too :). It’s very common to have grey hair where I live (in Berkeley) and I’m glad that it’s a social norm for women to have grey hair here. But I’m also not ready to go completely grey, although I also struggle with dyeing my hair because I don’t want to be exposed to the chemicals so the conundrum is stressful. I’m 53 and single and I want to look as young as I can and if that’s dumb shoot me. So I get it. I also have feelings about all the anti-anti-aging interventions talk on here. A lot of the people talking down about it are young and I’m like talk to me when you turn 50 and start losing your looks it’s fucking scary and if you want to do stuff to make yourself feel a little better than no one should judge you for that. AND I get that there are so many interventions right now that there’s a lot of pressure on young people to be keeping themselves from aging and part of it is a reaction to that and they just want to live their lives and not be constantly protecting themselves against the future. So yeah it’s all so complicated but I’m glad you’re talking about it.
THANK YOU, Sita. For your honesty. And that is a) not dumb and b) only your business 😚 appreciate the support
Rachel you do you and fuck those who choose to voice their opinions. It’s your body, do what you want at any age and ignore those outside voices. You won’t please everyone so please yourself
YESSSS showing me the wayyyyy
I’ve been noticing downright anger towards those of us choosing not to go grey. The message is “You should be embracing the ageing process - send a message to society that we are strong, successful women and we don’t care if we look older - smash the patriarchy!” I’m “smashing” the patriarchy by doing as I please with my hair and have zero desire to go grey. It’s not a big deal to go to the salon. Hopefully I’m not offending anyone who chooses not to dye their hair. I’m reacting to those who seem to be angry with MY choice and are acting righteous about their own.
As for the irritating mothers out there, I can totally relate! You’re apparently a lousy mother if you don’t make your kid the centre of the universe. There are a lot of self-centred, poorly behaved children as a result of this parenting style, in my opinion. I’ve been noticing many young women are now afraid of parenting. They don’t want to sign their lives away, never going out for dinner etc.
It is a lot. That is reinforcing that it’s not just me and I thank you. And I’m just wondering if those feeling angry are looking at why too. I know I am!
I so appreciate how real you are, Rachel - to dye or not to dye is kind of beside the point, I think. To be honest about all the things and feelings is the point, and you show, over and over again, that you can be honest while still being kind, both to others and to yourself. Thank you for that. FWIW, my last root touch up was in February - my amazing hairdresser stopped doing color when she got pregnant and then sort of sheepishly admitted that she felt color was particularly damaging for curly hair (she only sees curlies). I'm still waiting to feel liberated - and I mostly kind of hate how grey looks on me, if I'm being honest. I'm giving it more time mostly because I feel overwhelmed at the thought of finding a new colorist who gets me. We'll see!
Hollis, thank you and thank you for being here. And now you know, I’m here for you whichever way you and your curlies net out 💜
It’s a shame that we have to be saying this again and again.
I agree. 😚
Oh how I wish I could tell you things have changed in the world of young motherhood! But I’d be lying! The plus side of all that is it makes it easier to weed out the potential mom friends who suck. Also, I will be blonde until the day I die! If that means someone makes assumptions about me, that just means they’re lazy. Let’s all celebrate our ability to make these choices, and not forget to vote on it ❤️
HELLLLL TO THE YES
Hallelujah! We do need one another. Nothing more needs to be said.
We really really do. 😚
Yikes !!!! You have triggered all my triggers!!!!! ......almost did not make it through the piece I am so angry at those "superior mother's" just for starter's. I have made a promise to myself having been raised by narcissistic, judgmental parent's with their own baggage that I would let people be.... just be who you are.....I don't need to know you or like you but my mouth is sealed. Although I do live in this very angrier world thanks to a unique orange monster, people will say and do as they please .....no thought at all to the repercussions that they may inflict on someone and although I loathe to think that some of this is also intentional , passive aggressive behavior, ouch !....go away. I have always danced to my own drummer and it has taken decades to finally feel secure enough to say simply ....
"thank you" smile widely and walk away........ far away....... Embrace being a blonde from a bottle or not......I have heard they have more fun.!!!......xxxs
A big hell yes to this. And thank you.
Okay yes to everything now can you please now talk about those extensions? What? They are amazing? Or am I seeing things? One of the things implied in this awesome rant, but also your whole gestalt, is that we >50 folks still want and get to PLAY. Hopefully in ways that synthesize our knowledge and experience of aesthetics and self. That’s what got this stranger to subscribe :-) So. Are you playing around with extensions? Inquiring minds want to know! I spent a ton on curly extensions about 5 years ago, them cut my hair, they’ve been in a drawer ever since but they beckon…
Solid. One of my regrets from my wedding (at age 46) was that I didn't do super long extensions that were crimped a la 1987. I look back at photos now and think "that was clearly the only appropriate hair style for this dress. How did I possibly miss that???"
😂 omg yessss
I've also been fully grey since about age 30, so they would have been GREY extensions which would have been so rad. Bygones.
Ohhhh... i know you looked amazing but at the same time I feel you and wish i could grant you a redo! I was ~44 and had a terrible hair day but wore a Momo Falana dress and was having my whole own Steve Nicks fantasy of which no one else was aware ;-)
😂 😚
"Okay yes to everything now can you please now talk about those extensions?" Love this energy! 'Cause you know a lot of us were thinking that.
ROFL 🤣 yes I am fully in these extensions right now as we speak and yes to having some fucking fun
I went gray after spending a carefree vacation in Jamaica and deciding that with my short hair, the maintenance was silly (for me- no judgement!). And fortunately, my gray has grown into lovely shades of silver (I thank both grandmothers)- I often get asked what color gray I am dying my hair- hysterical! So this has been a lifestyle choice for me- simply that. Why women get an attitude about it towards other women is beyond me. These are first world problems. Enough!
Hell, yes! And your hair sounds freaking amazing 😻
Policing each other keeps us from moving forward en masse, which would be pretty unstoppable.
Truly.