I think as humans we want to be seen. Validated. Understood. Maybe by the world. Maybe by that one person who matters (who might just be ourself?). We can be literally seen in what we chose to wear. Heard in our words. Experienced in our actions. So the visual we put out into the works is critical to our experience as humans. Whether we “try” or don’t, it’s still a deliberate choice of how we want to be seen. (I remember my daughter, age 6, saying “mom. It’s just not important to me. I don’t want pretty pretty hello kitty hair!”)
Further, of course it’s just clothes. But if clothes give you the umph you need so that your words or actions are just a little bit more true? So you are understood more deeply? Shop and style away. And if clothes bring us joy AND we reflect that joy to others, putting joy and goodness into the world...isn’t that just it?
When people comment on my outfits I often very honestly say “I love getting dressed. It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.” Fashion is the one form of creativity that I (working full-time and mothering two very young children) currently have the time and energy for.
I have been like this since I was a child. Self-expression before I was old enough to know what that was. Demanding puffy pink dresses and patent-leather shoes and building a massive earring collection, to the bewilderment of my poor tomboy minimalist mother.
Some pieces feel like a conversation opener for my extremely introverted self who cannot make small talk if my life depends on it. Others are more like armour when I’m not feeling quite so strong on my own.
I am definitely trying to be more conscious about what I consume and if things will fit into the current wardrobe rather than demand even more new things to work. But I refuse to feel guilty or frivolous about my wardrobe. It lets me express myself in ways that I frequently find difficult to convey using words.
Ah, Rachel, you're tackling my favorite topic! I was so excited to read this. My seasonal affective disordered and perimenopausal brain is trying to figure out where I've written what you referenced (I sounded pretty smart though!), and a newsletter came to mind where I discussed clothes being arbitrary, and how their supposed 'meaning' is created by us (or for us?) because we are terrified of indeterminacy. I'm not sure if it's the one that you were thinking of, but here's the link: https://tiiavm.substack.com/p/on-ornamentation
I tend to think that on a philosophical level clothes can be 'just clothes' and they can also be really meaningful, and these two realities can coexist. Kind of like marriage when it's stripped down to its bones, it's basically just words on a piece of paper and people performing a seemingly random and arbitrary rite and then life follows, but it's also a deep, meaningful commitment that you choose every day. Or it can be. For some people it's not. I don't know. I'm just rambling here!
But rambling aside, for me personally, clothes become meaningful only when I've engaged with them on an emotional level. Some clothes remain 'just clothes' because something doesn't click, and that can be fine, too. I can still wear them and consume them, but they don't seem personal, but more like products, if that makes sense. For clothes to be something else than 'just clothes', I need them to have/develop a narrative. Here's the kicker though: that narrative exists for me alone. My meaningful clothes are someone else's 'just clothes'. When someone gets hired for a creative job because they're wearing a creatively interesting outfit, that's a question of successful signaling and status, not some magical projection of one's creative mindset. I think there's a difference.
Fully agree re: the atrociously gendered collecting aspect!
You have made me think like no other, and I'm so grateful! It's interesting too this idea about engaging with clothes on an emotional level -- I can say this is related to how I feel going into Cos. Vs shopping in a consignment store. I feel this feeling (and smell!) of cold-ness. And somehow in buying used things, even before I've made the story my own, I feel this idea of their stories. They feel warmer already to me. ... And re gendered collecting. My father in law was coming to see our new home for the first time. And I thought -- he will see I have a whole guest room for clothes and think less of me, he will think I'm shallow and vain and overspending. And he called to congratulate us afterwards and said joyfully: "the best part of the house is Rachel's closet!" -- it made me love him even more. It was one more way that even though he's of a different era he does not have gendered assumptions. He could just be happy for me finding joy in my life and alongside his son. :-)
If we look at some of humanity’s first non-perishable objects, once we become anatomically modern Homo sapiens, the stone tools are more than just “utilitarian.” Indeed, they have an aesthetic appeal beyond function - the selection of stone, it’s color and pattern, the mode of fabrication so that the color, pattern and resulting style highlight the makers’s skill in producing said tool…humanity has an inherent need to create. So, why not in the items we select to adorn our bodies?
Dec 16, 2023·edited Dec 16, 2023Liked by Hey Mrs. Solomon on Style
I appreciate this and think all of these possibilities can be right, and different for each person. I also agree that when negative judgement comes in, it is often highly gendered. Sports/cars/gadgets/[insert any other stereotypically straight male interest] are not any more valuable than fashion.
FWIW I interpret the SATC Carrie wedding dress scene differently — in that it was a symbol of her losing focus on what mattered most, her authentic relationship w Big, in favor of the wedding industrial complex.
Clothing for many is a creative endeavor. It is for me. I love getting dressed. As for, ‘it is just clothes’, well technically it is but for some people it is more. I feel no guilt about collecting or buying. I however do not do any fast fashion, because if I am going to wear it long term it needs to hold up. Price points make me also think hard about what I am buying. The best way to monitor how much one buys is to have a standard size closet. Something one could put a bed in might be too large. I have limited space in my apartment, and that’s on purpose. Too large of space enables one to fill it. Which means buying stuff. But if you have a smaller closet, it limits the purchasing. FYI: my closet is a walk in but one cannot put a double bed in it.
I was waiting for the sexism because that’s what I think it is too. Any article on fashion in the NYT or the Financial Times gets flooded with comments how frivolous, how silly. It’s all a code for how silly and female (and I include female commenters here). What’s the difference spending thousands on sporting tickets, travel and events? If you read the FT interview with MK and A you will find me ranting in the comments about this ;-)
Now the sustainability aspect is real. We know that. Keep passing your clothes on and buying used when you can. Share with friends. Two Thirds of my closet are hand me downs now. Love it.
But fuck the value judgement that clothes are frivolous. Clothes are, to some of us, joyous. It’s fun. They are “just clothes”, and a gourmet meal is “just food,” and these are things we have the privilege to enjoy (responsibly) before we die.
Oh and to add on yes - one needs to be aware of the dopamine cycle. Shopping for a thrill and then feeling deflated (and emptying the wallet too). Not good. Go play in the closet maybe. Cull and make lists and shop slowwwwly.
2. And it's just clothes, makes it easier for me to wear them, worry less about stains, costs etc. It's just clothes, use them!
Furthermore I relate to everything said here: to get dressed pushes me out of bed, out the door, go to work. My clothes give me joy. They boost and lift my mood. And don't forget, dressing nice gives joy to others too. It inspires, lifts their mood too.
But there is the other side, I also feel embarassed about my spending, the costs of a single piece. I justify myself "others buy expensive cars". While there is no reason at all to justify my clothes.
Right - what is that force making us feel embarrassed, I wonder? Is it the sustainability issue? It just feels like there's more to it than that - there is a certain shaming.
I don't think it is the sustainability. At least for me. For me it is more the voice in my head saying, clothes are so superficial, meaning I am superficial. Or maybe it is the Dutch thrift, spending money sparingly
I wanted to answer sooner. Busy last working week. Yes, guilting myself too. The many voices in my head. Shame, guilt, joy, fun, compensation. I enjoy dressing, finding the balance, it's fun. That, I don't see as superficial. The spending, more more more. That I don't like about myself. I need to set some boundaries and I realised, thinking about this topic. When I lose my boundaries, let work, people, get to close, it all comes in, I lose my boundaries in shopping too.
If talking about fashion gives these insights, no, it cannot be superficial 😁
That is such an interesting insight about boundaries. And I find with shopping and even some other things, I get a physical feeling in my gut when it's not right. I need to listen to that feeling!
Once a colleague asked me: ‘how many piece of clothes you have and especially where / how do you store them?’ I did not react at all it was so rude no question.
Like others have pointed out, the "just clothes" argument is functioning on a couple of levels - some innocuous and others less so. On one level, the good news is that if I feel a little off outfit-wise, or some horrific stain happened, it's okay because... it's just clothes. The minute-to-minute stakes are on average, low because the basic goals of clothing are more or less being met (keep warm and comfortable!).
However, there are a host of messy, shaming cultural messages that can Trojan horse their way right into my brain inside that same phrase. Messages about vanity, worth, and "deservingness" heavily influenced by gender, class, religion, race, disability, etc are overlapping and different based on each person's experiences and contexts. In my opinion it's worth picking these apart and using it as a chance to see how the world is influencing us and if we really want those beliefs or not. As someone who started their style journey in the last couple of years, I've tangled with the shame-based version of "just clothes" sentiment more often that I care to admit ....
I think there also perhaps an aspect of hyper-individualism here... our society loves to lay all the blame for problems on individual people and their decisions; after all, it's much more convenient for the status quo.
" Messages about vanity, worth, and "deservingness" heavily influenced by gender, class, religion, race, disability, etc are overlapping and different based on each person's experiences and contexts." YES. I feel this so deeply. Thank you.
i think most people here can expound upon this topic for days and days.
i mean... i can see the comparison to collecting other objects of beauty, however we also can't deny the extreme dopamine hit we get from buying, selling, buying, selling, which i think makes it different. because for many of us, we are getting excited about how xyz item is going to change/fix us, and how we interact externally with others and move through the world. and we know from experience that the feeling can be fleeting, and we can be left feeling empty again in no time. so i do have to acknowledge that for me at least, there is an unhealthy component.
the number of items we see as "reasonable" will vary wildly from person to person. but i think it's that feeling, that excitement, and that subsequent deflation (sometimes), rather than the actual quantity of items or much money, that makes me feel badly sometimes.
And I think that's an indicator of something too - just feeling badly. Empty and in a cycle. People describe something similar in gambling, other things where one seeks a rush. But also in other hobbies, the seeking of the rare and then finding it and then wanting the next one.
Ok, this should be published in The NY Times. Where to begin? “If you look creative..someone will think you have creative ideas” this is so true for me!! Countless times I ran across the street from the RL design office to Barneys in a truly desperate effort to buy something to ‘look better’ for a design meeting. The intention was to receive the rare acknowledgment from RL.. singling you out with the sought-after “what are you wearing”? Which meant you had style and were above those around you. I spent above my means and was not being true to my style.
Also, thank you for bringing to light women being judged for our collection of shoes, clothes, etc. There’s so much to say here…so thank you .xo
Wendy, chills reading this. I can't thank you enough for your authenticity. Here and also in our IRL friendship. Which I hope I say enough how lucky I feel to have alighted on. XOXO
I missed this article. I would like to share my opinion of yourself. 1 you don’t owe sny explanations. 2 why are you having Catholic ( a real thing) 😂3 and on serious note. You are not what you wear. You are not what your job is. You are Rachel. A unique and wonderful person and it’s the world’s job to discover you.
But personally I understand your feelings about having too many nice expensive things and if only people knew you carry cat food in your expensive beautiful bags then you would be president of the USA or something like that. 🩷💞💕
In my teens ( so , a long time ago...) I read an interview with Jil Sander, where she said that to her clothing is an armour for everyday life. As a big introvert, I resonate deeply with that. Also, it is a joy to play with colour, textures and everything else fashion. Of course one can do it more or less sustainably but I do find it important to find the things and moments in life that fill you with joy. And btw, it makes me so happy to see another person dressing with care and joy....
I love this, thank you! And feel just the same. I think about the lovely woman at the welcome desk when my father was in the hospital, and her pretty dress and habib -- I think about her all the time -- her dressing with care made me feel that she cared, and made feel I was not alone. 😘
I think as humans we want to be seen. Validated. Understood. Maybe by the world. Maybe by that one person who matters (who might just be ourself?). We can be literally seen in what we chose to wear. Heard in our words. Experienced in our actions. So the visual we put out into the works is critical to our experience as humans. Whether we “try” or don’t, it’s still a deliberate choice of how we want to be seen. (I remember my daughter, age 6, saying “mom. It’s just not important to me. I don’t want pretty pretty hello kitty hair!”)
Further, of course it’s just clothes. But if clothes give you the umph you need so that your words or actions are just a little bit more true? So you are understood more deeply? Shop and style away. And if clothes bring us joy AND we reflect that joy to others, putting joy and goodness into the world...isn’t that just it?
Right. I just can't believe that it's "just clothes."
When people comment on my outfits I often very honestly say “I love getting dressed. It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.” Fashion is the one form of creativity that I (working full-time and mothering two very young children) currently have the time and energy for.
I have been like this since I was a child. Self-expression before I was old enough to know what that was. Demanding puffy pink dresses and patent-leather shoes and building a massive earring collection, to the bewilderment of my poor tomboy minimalist mother.
Some pieces feel like a conversation opener for my extremely introverted self who cannot make small talk if my life depends on it. Others are more like armour when I’m not feeling quite so strong on my own.
I am definitely trying to be more conscious about what I consume and if things will fit into the current wardrobe rather than demand even more new things to work. But I refuse to feel guilty or frivolous about my wardrobe. It lets me express myself in ways that I frequently find difficult to convey using words.
I can totally relate. And appreciate the strength in these words.
Ah, Rachel, you're tackling my favorite topic! I was so excited to read this. My seasonal affective disordered and perimenopausal brain is trying to figure out where I've written what you referenced (I sounded pretty smart though!), and a newsletter came to mind where I discussed clothes being arbitrary, and how their supposed 'meaning' is created by us (or for us?) because we are terrified of indeterminacy. I'm not sure if it's the one that you were thinking of, but here's the link: https://tiiavm.substack.com/p/on-ornamentation
I tend to think that on a philosophical level clothes can be 'just clothes' and they can also be really meaningful, and these two realities can coexist. Kind of like marriage when it's stripped down to its bones, it's basically just words on a piece of paper and people performing a seemingly random and arbitrary rite and then life follows, but it's also a deep, meaningful commitment that you choose every day. Or it can be. For some people it's not. I don't know. I'm just rambling here!
But rambling aside, for me personally, clothes become meaningful only when I've engaged with them on an emotional level. Some clothes remain 'just clothes' because something doesn't click, and that can be fine, too. I can still wear them and consume them, but they don't seem personal, but more like products, if that makes sense. For clothes to be something else than 'just clothes', I need them to have/develop a narrative. Here's the kicker though: that narrative exists for me alone. My meaningful clothes are someone else's 'just clothes'. When someone gets hired for a creative job because they're wearing a creatively interesting outfit, that's a question of successful signaling and status, not some magical projection of one's creative mindset. I think there's a difference.
Fully agree re: the atrociously gendered collecting aspect!
You have made me think like no other, and I'm so grateful! It's interesting too this idea about engaging with clothes on an emotional level -- I can say this is related to how I feel going into Cos. Vs shopping in a consignment store. I feel this feeling (and smell!) of cold-ness. And somehow in buying used things, even before I've made the story my own, I feel this idea of their stories. They feel warmer already to me. ... And re gendered collecting. My father in law was coming to see our new home for the first time. And I thought -- he will see I have a whole guest room for clothes and think less of me, he will think I'm shallow and vain and overspending. And he called to congratulate us afterwards and said joyfully: "the best part of the house is Rachel's closet!" -- it made me love him even more. It was one more way that even though he's of a different era he does not have gendered assumptions. He could just be happy for me finding joy in my life and alongside his son. :-)
If we look at some of humanity’s first non-perishable objects, once we become anatomically modern Homo sapiens, the stone tools are more than just “utilitarian.” Indeed, they have an aesthetic appeal beyond function - the selection of stone, it’s color and pattern, the mode of fabrication so that the color, pattern and resulting style highlight the makers’s skill in producing said tool…humanity has an inherent need to create. So, why not in the items we select to adorn our bodies?
As always, thanks for the interesting read! ❤️
Wow -- I had no idea! Thank you so much for this note. Such an aha 💌
I appreciate this and think all of these possibilities can be right, and different for each person. I also agree that when negative judgement comes in, it is often highly gendered. Sports/cars/gadgets/[insert any other stereotypically straight male interest] are not any more valuable than fashion.
FWIW I interpret the SATC Carrie wedding dress scene differently — in that it was a symbol of her losing focus on what mattered most, her authentic relationship w Big, in favor of the wedding industrial complex.
Yep! And I read it that way too, but I think both are present.
Clothing for many is a creative endeavor. It is for me. I love getting dressed. As for, ‘it is just clothes’, well technically it is but for some people it is more. I feel no guilt about collecting or buying. I however do not do any fast fashion, because if I am going to wear it long term it needs to hold up. Price points make me also think hard about what I am buying. The best way to monitor how much one buys is to have a standard size closet. Something one could put a bed in might be too large. I have limited space in my apartment, and that’s on purpose. Too large of space enables one to fill it. Which means buying stuff. But if you have a smaller closet, it limits the purchasing. FYI: my closet is a walk in but one cannot put a double bed in it.
No comment :-) Mine was a guest room -- it’s also an office!
I was waiting for the sexism because that’s what I think it is too. Any article on fashion in the NYT or the Financial Times gets flooded with comments how frivolous, how silly. It’s all a code for how silly and female (and I include female commenters here). What’s the difference spending thousands on sporting tickets, travel and events? If you read the FT interview with MK and A you will find me ranting in the comments about this ;-)
Now the sustainability aspect is real. We know that. Keep passing your clothes on and buying used when you can. Share with friends. Two Thirds of my closet are hand me downs now. Love it.
But fuck the value judgement that clothes are frivolous. Clothes are, to some of us, joyous. It’s fun. They are “just clothes”, and a gourmet meal is “just food,” and these are things we have the privilege to enjoy (responsibly) before we die.
HELL to the YES. And thank you.
Oh and to add on yes - one needs to be aware of the dopamine cycle. Shopping for a thrill and then feeling deflated (and emptying the wallet too). Not good. Go play in the closet maybe. Cull and make lists and shop slowwwwly.
2 thoughts crossed my mind.
1. We have to dress, why not dress nice.
2. And it's just clothes, makes it easier for me to wear them, worry less about stains, costs etc. It's just clothes, use them!
Furthermore I relate to everything said here: to get dressed pushes me out of bed, out the door, go to work. My clothes give me joy. They boost and lift my mood. And don't forget, dressing nice gives joy to others too. It inspires, lifts their mood too.
But there is the other side, I also feel embarassed about my spending, the costs of a single piece. I justify myself "others buy expensive cars". While there is no reason at all to justify my clothes.
Right - what is that force making us feel embarrassed, I wonder? Is it the sustainability issue? It just feels like there's more to it than that - there is a certain shaming.
I don't think it is the sustainability. At least for me. For me it is more the voice in my head saying, clothes are so superficial, meaning I am superficial. Or maybe it is the Dutch thrift, spending money sparingly
Do you think that’s true? That they are superficial? Or are you just guilting yourself I wonder.
I wanted to answer sooner. Busy last working week. Yes, guilting myself too. The many voices in my head. Shame, guilt, joy, fun, compensation. I enjoy dressing, finding the balance, it's fun. That, I don't see as superficial. The spending, more more more. That I don't like about myself. I need to set some boundaries and I realised, thinking about this topic. When I lose my boundaries, let work, people, get to close, it all comes in, I lose my boundaries in shopping too.
If talking about fashion gives these insights, no, it cannot be superficial 😁
That is such an interesting insight about boundaries. And I find with shopping and even some other things, I get a physical feeling in my gut when it's not right. I need to listen to that feeling!
Yes, listen more to my gut
Once a colleague asked me: ‘how many piece of clothes you have and especially where / how do you store them?’ I did not react at all it was so rude no question.
Good call. How invasive.
Like others have pointed out, the "just clothes" argument is functioning on a couple of levels - some innocuous and others less so. On one level, the good news is that if I feel a little off outfit-wise, or some horrific stain happened, it's okay because... it's just clothes. The minute-to-minute stakes are on average, low because the basic goals of clothing are more or less being met (keep warm and comfortable!).
However, there are a host of messy, shaming cultural messages that can Trojan horse their way right into my brain inside that same phrase. Messages about vanity, worth, and "deservingness" heavily influenced by gender, class, religion, race, disability, etc are overlapping and different based on each person's experiences and contexts. In my opinion it's worth picking these apart and using it as a chance to see how the world is influencing us and if we really want those beliefs or not. As someone who started their style journey in the last couple of years, I've tangled with the shame-based version of "just clothes" sentiment more often that I care to admit ....
I think there also perhaps an aspect of hyper-individualism here... our society loves to lay all the blame for problems on individual people and their decisions; after all, it's much more convenient for the status quo.
" Messages about vanity, worth, and "deservingness" heavily influenced by gender, class, religion, race, disability, etc are overlapping and different based on each person's experiences and contexts." YES. I feel this so deeply. Thank you.
i think most people here can expound upon this topic for days and days.
i mean... i can see the comparison to collecting other objects of beauty, however we also can't deny the extreme dopamine hit we get from buying, selling, buying, selling, which i think makes it different. because for many of us, we are getting excited about how xyz item is going to change/fix us, and how we interact externally with others and move through the world. and we know from experience that the feeling can be fleeting, and we can be left feeling empty again in no time. so i do have to acknowledge that for me at least, there is an unhealthy component.
the number of items we see as "reasonable" will vary wildly from person to person. but i think it's that feeling, that excitement, and that subsequent deflation (sometimes), rather than the actual quantity of items or much money, that makes me feel badly sometimes.
And I think that's an indicator of something too - just feeling badly. Empty and in a cycle. People describe something similar in gambling, other things where one seeks a rush. But also in other hobbies, the seeking of the rare and then finding it and then wanting the next one.
Ok, this should be published in The NY Times. Where to begin? “If you look creative..someone will think you have creative ideas” this is so true for me!! Countless times I ran across the street from the RL design office to Barneys in a truly desperate effort to buy something to ‘look better’ for a design meeting. The intention was to receive the rare acknowledgment from RL.. singling you out with the sought-after “what are you wearing”? Which meant you had style and were above those around you. I spent above my means and was not being true to my style.
Also, thank you for bringing to light women being judged for our collection of shoes, clothes, etc. There’s so much to say here…so thank you .xo
Wendy, chills reading this. I can't thank you enough for your authenticity. Here and also in our IRL friendship. Which I hope I say enough how lucky I feel to have alighted on. XOXO
I feel lucky to have met you and always enjoy how your writings challenge me. You make me think more and question my purchases. XO
I missed this article. I would like to share my opinion of yourself. 1 you don’t owe sny explanations. 2 why are you having Catholic ( a real thing) 😂3 and on serious note. You are not what you wear. You are not what your job is. You are Rachel. A unique and wonderful person and it’s the world’s job to discover you.
But personally I understand your feelings about having too many nice expensive things and if only people knew you carry cat food in your expensive beautiful bags then you would be president of the USA or something like that. 🩷💞💕
I really giggled at this and I am so grateful for you 😘
In my teens ( so , a long time ago...) I read an interview with Jil Sander, where she said that to her clothing is an armour for everyday life. As a big introvert, I resonate deeply with that. Also, it is a joy to play with colour, textures and everything else fashion. Of course one can do it more or less sustainably but I do find it important to find the things and moments in life that fill you with joy. And btw, it makes me so happy to see another person dressing with care and joy....
I love this, thank you! And feel just the same. I think about the lovely woman at the welcome desk when my father was in the hospital, and her pretty dress and habib -- I think about her all the time -- her dressing with care made me feel that she cared, and made feel I was not alone. 😘
Love reading your posts. Lots of thoughts!
Thanks so much! I appreciate it.
I love clothes. But ultimately it's waste on a hanger.
I meant to say catholic guilt 🤦🏽♀️ I stop being catholic decades ago but the guilt stays 😊
😂 the Jewish guilt too
🤣