6 Gems: "The Grown woman sexy" ed, part 2.

Invisible, schimvisible.

If you’ve been here a minute, you know my theme for 2025 is “get curious.” I’ve been trying to run toward, not away from the things that scare me. Whether that’s probing my own shopping addictive tendencies, looking critically at some of my deeply held beliefs, and yes, saying the four letter word: sexy. At age 54 when there is a lot of messaging telling us to shut it down already lest we seem desperate.

I had a flashback writing this to this newsletter here that I used to read and the ageist essay that made me unsubscribe. It featured mid life celebs that they deemed too try-hard, saying they should quit “raging against the dying of the light.”

I hadn’t seen that newsletter in so long, so I went and took a look to see if maybe it had gotten less asshole-y. Alas, as judgy and self aggrandizing as ever: “Epaulets are wack and diagonal pockets are on notice … [When] I exposed the lie of Timeless Style back in December…” LOL!

It’s no small thing. This culture of dick-throwing judgement is what makes style world feel less of a safe place for self expression. (Nope, not fun and funny - it’s thuddy, unaware and … repetitive.) And judgy stuff like this, collectively, is what makes women of a certain age or whatever you want to call this thing, women collecting life experience, women arriving, women like me, so afraid to use the word “sexy.” I’ve used every word but to try and talk about “THIS THING” - landing on “fleshly” —

— because G-d forbid a wrinkled old crone like me be so delusional as to think anyone could see her — let alone want her! The worst thing in the world would be to get viewed by someone like that publication as TRYING let alone TRYING TO BE SEXY.

So instead we try to be in on the joke — we get it, we know! Our memories are bad, our vaginas are dry, we can’t see the menu. We are not hot, we are hot flash! Ha! Might as well lie down on the ground with my arms folded across my chest and wait for death.

I happen to love big clothes, mannish clothes, it’s true. But I love them with the understanding that I GET TO CHOOSE them. Not that I have to look sexless, quirky and hidden, or risk being a laughingstock.

And as with all things, being told what to do often makes me crave the opposite.

It’s true that my experiment with fitted waist, well proportioned clothes, even cool mannish ones, left me feeling outside myself. But I was glad I tried it.

Leandra has said the new fashion woman has good sex: “I don’t mean this as literally as she has good sex. She might — but the conceit behind the transmission is driven by her curiosity and unapologeticism. By the peace she has made with what turns her on.”

I asked a 50 year old friend what was sexy to her and she cited Andie MacDowell in Love after Love, stripping down onscreen at 61. (How did I not see this! I will now.)

I got curious about Andie, and found this recent Allure story.

“I want to love where I am, because this is where I am. I don’t want to try to be like someone else. I mean the worst thing is to try to be young, it’s kind of silly to do that. [Instead] make an effort to feel vibrant, to feel joy, [to feel] all the things you feel when you’re young and growing.”

It’s like — not dupe (no thank you!), but dupe the VIBE. Find the things that make you feel the feelings. Feel ALIVE.

When I did a 6 Gems on “fleshly” - that was around subtle changes. But I wondered - ok, what if I tried some things a little more outside my comfort zone? What might happen? I’ve been auditioning quite a few of them. (Pantslessness, nightie outside, dark eyeliner. I let my sister-in-law put filters on me, brought back — small — heels and a body con skirt, wore actual workout clothes to the gym without covering them up…) And now I bring you the 6 best of the lot. (THANK YOU for being paid subscribers. It makes me feel less vulnerable and better able to do what I do.)