The damage is done. 14 ways out of the Flagellation Station.

It happened. You're not "bad." You're human. What's next?

Sigh ….

I have this friend who called me about something rough in her life and said: I just want a pep talk. No feedback. I don’t want tough love.

I really appreciated the clarity. This is much more in keeping with the way we give feedback these days (anyone else have a 20-something?) — we first ask if you WANT feedback. But even more than that, I’ve been in her shoes many times. Getting feedback I didn’t want. After I got myself in trouble.

I actively try not to label MYSELF as good or bad because of the things I do. But I was a lot better at this with my son. For example, he might not be listening well, but he wasn’t a “bad listener.” Like, maybe you did the exact opposite of what you’ve been repeatedly warned about, but that’s a bad choice, it doesn’t make YOU a bad kid. With my son, I remembered this.

With myself, it’s a daily effort. Now combine that with the fact that I’ve made A LOT of tough choices. Fewer these days, but A LOT. The toxic boyfriend who everyone but me saw was toxic. Like a horror movie when everyone watching goes, “Don’t open the door! RUN! RUNNNNNN!” There were clients I fired when I could have stepped off the work. And weeks ago, there was some non PG-13 sh*t that I SCREAMED at my hub during a fight. (Do I remember what the fight was even about? Newp.)

And during none of these moments did I want to call a friend and have them dissect why I did this and why it wasn’t a good idea. It was done! Too late! No going back. I knew what I’d done. Instead of the feedback, I needed the go-forward.

There’s a lot of shame stuff that comes up during the holidays. Losing your sh*t with family. Eating in ways you didn’t want to. Thinking about all the ways you could be a better friend. Or daughter. Or sister-in-law. Or citizen of the world. The balls we try to juggle, the balls we drop.

I’m hearing from lots of you and lots of non ‘Stack friends too, that sh*t’s gone kind of … haywire. A lot of self flagellation, too. A repeated theme is post election despair-related emotional binge shopping. The shopping is where I’m focusing on (write what you know). But I think even if that’s not you you’ll find something in it anyway.

First, know that I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, in both the Haywire House and the Flagellation Station. And what I think writers about minimalism, quieting the shopping mind, sustainability, and how could anyone buy plastic shoes, writers who do that in a way that’s shaming don’t realize the risk of it having the exact opposite of the intended effect.

credit

Remember when Stanford on S&TC says he needs 3 therapists?

credit

It just can’t be tough love all the time. And sometimes it feels more like “tough contempt” honestly. If you’re feeling ashamed, and then you are shamed, it can just prove too much and shut you down. If what you’re trying to do is make a change in yourself or anyone else, it can have the opposite effect, igniting a shame spiral that makes you seek false comforts even more. Or simply paralyzes you.

So.

So we did some damage, ok? (The “we” here isn’t some corny one. I actually mean “we” — I did too.) And it happens to all of us, yes, even the seemingly unflawed. Who are deeply flawed too. But you don’t have to get stuck in the Flagellation Station. Here’s how to get out, get up and go on, better than before. Starting now:

1. Face it, gently. Get yourself a quick mantra that summarizes the state of things — and is tender. I usually use “That happened. I’m human. Moving on.” Say it anytime you get a flood of guilt.

2. Immediately get out and go for a walk. When you feel like you’ve shopped, it can feel gluttonous, and it can easily spiral into feeling so many other things. Walking helps shrug off the gluttonous feeling and remind you that you can move through the world. It also sparks up the endorphins and unlocks your thinking. Even just one circle around the block; don’t make it a big deal or wait until you have “enough time” — lace up and go.

3. Softly start to diagnose the problem. I sometimes say “what’s going on, girl” to myself.

4. If you haven’t already start a shopping diary. Just use the Notes app. You don’t need complete sentences. Make it a bulleted list. Don’t go backwards and try and make it retroactive — that’s not the point. Just start writing down anything you’re thinking and feeling when you shop or consider shopping, including observations about how your body feels.

5. Return: You know how the best way to feel better about all the work you have ahead of you is to actually start doing some? Yeah. If there’s a real way to “spend less” now, do it. If there are things you can return, and you’re feeling like sh*t, return them. This stuff is an extra and if it doesn’t make you feel good, it can go. Note that in most cases, you can return things after you’ve cut the tags if you still have the tags. Ask customer service nicely. (They’re human too; you can even tell them what actually happened.)

6. Back out. And on that note, anything you have on hold, write to the person and tell them you’re feeling overwhelmed with stuff so you’re going to say no to this right now. Remove items from wish lists.

7. Cull: Another way to feel better. Start getting rid of stuff. If this purchase is an upgrade of or spin on something you have, can you get rid of the original? Think about what purpose it will serve for you. Can you sell something currently serving that purpose? Culling after buying feels really good; here’s what to do with these pieces:

8. Phone a friend. Reach out to a true, close friend, one who loves you. Or your mom if you have one. (Or my mom! Her IG use is sporadic; message me to get in touch.) OR ME! DM me right here. Here’s what you say: “Hi, I’m feeling so ___. I need a pep talk.” Saying it, being your authentic self, being loved. This can be the balm that gets you to move.

9. Express gratitude. Leave a note on your s/o’s pillow. Send an email to a friend. Headline: GRATEFUL. Thank you for _____. Just letting you know, I’m grateful for you. You can leave it at that. Expressing gratitude is very soothing, a reminder of good things in your life. It also opens up an emotional connection you may need to feel right now.

10. Don’t self-soothe with anything that will double down on the shame. Like eating and drinking or shopping more. You might find yourself going to a place like “well, I’ve already ruined everything I might as well …” Don’t. Don’t open the wound more. Stop the bleeding and start healing.

11. Treat yourself with the tenderness you would treat anyone you care about. I think about this time when my son and his friends did something wrong at camp and got in trouble. We reinforced the camp’s message, but after that, we had a nice family dinner together, because there has to be an end; I didn’t want him to have to sit in shame. Do the same for yourself. Make yourself a nice healthful meal. Read a book. Get some rest.

12. Give away your money and/or time. If you can afford either, this will make you feel better.

13. Begin daily acts of micro goodness. This anyone can do, and it’s akin to the money/time in how it works. Make eye contact with an unsheltered person and say good morning. Hold a door. Offer to carry bags. Don’t ignore someone who looks lost.

14. Wear the things you bought. Because there is shame around it, there can be a keep things you spent money on untouched in your closet where they slowly become even ore shameful “mistakes.” Seeing them there, feeling this, compounds all of it. I was asking my trainer Jason what he does if he feels shame after shopping. For example, he does archery and has a number of expensive bows and then treated himself to “a sexy new one.” I asked “what do you do after a moment like this, when you might feel guilty?” Right away, he said: “I go out and shoot my bow.” Life is short. Shoot your bow.

XOXO,

Rachel

p.s. I’m here if you need me, in the comments or the DMs.